Somewhere, in the city of my dreams1 I own a café.
The whole purpose of this café is to provide a place to watch live American sports without having to go into a pub. Because sometimes, you don’t want to be in a pub at 8am.
In this cafe, only the finest North American breakfasts are served. To start with, they would be pretty generic – gussied up oatmeal, omelette, pancakes (yes, with REAL maple syrup), homefries, the kind of bacon that you can snap between your fingers, baked beans that still have chunks of hock in them, chilaquiles, cinnamon rolls. bagels with lox and cream cheese… etc. If nagged enough by the customers, I would allow for PopTarts, but would price them prohibitively. Because, gross.
But, there would also be an option that visitors who grew up in North America could teach me their favourite breakfast recipe. You’d get some number of free meals and if you allowed me to add it to the menu (eg, Tom’s Mom’s fried green tomatoes – $10, Sally’s vaquero coffee – $4), and you would be able to have that meal for free as long as it stayed on the menu.
Bar snacks of the buffalo wings and blue cheese sauce variety would also be a thing, because I need that thing. The other thing I need occasionally is Chicago deep dish pizza, but I may Western-Sydney-ify it with sujuk instead of Italian sausage.
Opening hours would be from 7am until the last baseball game finished (ish). Which would be really awful on the days where one of the west coast games goes to 18 innings, but I would still only be sticking to breakfast foods (and wings). Outside of baseball season, we’d be going until the last NHL game finished. Outside of both those seasons, we’d be stopping around 2pm.
And we’d also have theme days/weeks for March madness and for Super-Bowl Monday. We might even do a no-spoilers evening replay for the SuperBowl.
I definitely couldn’t do ‘50’s diner’ theme because I hate those, and since the whole point is to be able to access sports-television without the stink of stale beer, ‘sports bar’ is not the theme either. Maybe we’ll just see what the space is like and go with that. Welcoming, breakfast, comfort food, North American sport. That’s what it would need to say.
So, if I were to ever compete on Restaurant Revolution, or whatever the next round of reality cooking/restaurant shows are called, that’s what I would want to make happen. American breakfast sports café. Yup.
1. The city of my dreams is a little like Butcher’s Chicago and de Lint’s Newford, but is in the coastal plains below a range of high, dry mountains, in a pocket of Mediterranean climate. It has a vaguely Northern European social climate, and is ALSO in a convenient timezone for NZ/Australia.
Actually, apart from the climate and the mountains, I think I just described Newtown? Apart from the timezone, I may also have described San Diego. Which, if it were in San Diego, we’d have to watch English/European sport with lunch. If we were around the Mediterranean, the timezones work out pretty well for brunch and Australian/NZ sport.